I don't like you Part 2

Illiteracy is a big issue with me, considering I can't spell very well, I understand it's kind of hypocritical. I can admit that. Now, as much as people complain they can't understand my English speaking challenged co-workers, I must say the complainers aren't very good at speaking the ONLY language they know. I get second hand embarrassment all the time when I repeat an order only to be corrected.

Me: okay, donut hole(s) and a cinnamon roll?

trailer trash tina: NO donut hoe and cinnamon ROW!

Please go put shoes on your baby and start watching those nick jr. shows. You might just learn all the letters of the alphabet, there's lots of bright colors, songs, and puzzles, you'll have so much fun you won't even realize some of your brain synapses are awakening. Plus, if it scares you too much, you can always kill them with Mountain Dew.

I can't stress how much I get corrected on the two words "roll" and "hole(s)" the "s" is always optional.

I don't like you Part 1

Hello. I help create donuts. I put icing on those hot bitches, I fill them with jelly/filling, I even arrange them to be fried into delicious bite size pieces while they're still dough babies. Unfortunately, my job is not so important or entirely time consuming that I get to hide away from the customers and cash register. Which I don't mind, usually. I enjoy running around with my head cut off needing to be in two places at once. Time flies and it's not boring. I DO however mind the customers.

"But Zee, those people make your boss money, in turn making you money"

Of course they do and the ones that are literate, can count, can pronounce words properly, aren't low talkers, and can process their own thoughts before speaking, I actually like.

If I know you are of the following variety of customer, I will probably make fun of you within earshot.

The wake and baker

:This breed of customer is either really old and tweeking or really young and higher than a kite. Now the tweekers get upset for waiting even though they're counting out $3 in pennies for 6 minutes then realize they have money in their crotch or titty area. It's always moist.
The younger breed who chose the natural drugs take forever to order at 5 am. After sitting in the drive through since before I got there (4:45) And it gets better the last kids I took orders from went like this


kid: uh...um....::blank stare::

me: ::blank stare::

kid: you um uh..::blank stare::

me: No donuts, just kolaches right now. Wanna wait? 10 mins.

kid:: uh...no yeah kolache

me: what kind?

kid: ::blank stare::

Me: sausage and cheese? okay how many?

kid: one


Exactly 6 minutes had passed. I have other things to do. But wait there's more!
I left this guy counting his money since he was taking forever, come back after doing other stuff like making coffee and making sure I had enough time to do my icing in the back and he's still counting $1.20, but his mind overcomes the challenge somehow, and I hand him his stuff and his friend says he needs one too. Same exact process as above. It was almost exactly the same except 4 minutes this time. I know because I am staring at my phone wondering how the hell am I supposed to get donuts ready since no one else is here yet.
And yet it still gets better, I return with second kids kolache and then the drink request ensues. Same process and it is way too early for me to be so pissed off. After the second drink I have maybe two minutes before I have to go ice some donuts. But no, the donut request ensues with the dreaded question

kid: what kinda donuts you got


me: glazed (1 minute left)

kid: can I get like uh...um...::blank stare::

me: yeah

kid: what?

me: you said half dozen right? $3.30

kid: uh yeah


and that's how I had enough time to make donuts and sell. I hate you if you're high and buy donuts from me and I will persuade your order to get rid of you. I'm almost certain this is exactly what Jedi mind tricking someone feels like.

Being Poor.

Being bored and being poor are two dangerous things that should never be combined by a young person in their 20's. Being bored means starting to watch cat videos on YouTube and ending at white people singing to Korean boy bands. That aside, I would like some extra cash and I have devised two semi-solid plans.

Plan 1: Whore out my male neighbors/friends and split the profit.
Pros: Sex=easy money
Cons: Women don't usually buy sex from males that don't look like Photoshopped models. And the ones that would are probably so old they'd break a hip, thus ending up in a lawsuit. I can't afford a lawyer and I definitely cannot afford to be some manlike females bitch. Also, finding a demographic on Craigslist could end up in someone being killed and having their body parts put on the black market. I can't be held responsible for such things.

Plan 2: Write a trashy slutty romance novel. Given my mediocre literary talent and my ability to use grade school punctuation, I feel this is the best bet. I am currently in the process of compiling a team of "experts" to help me write things that would otherwise make me laugh or contract second hand embarrassment.
And by experts, I mean creative people(my sister, who can apparently find 10 synonyms for penis) and dirty male perverts(my friends/neighbors)because they're...dirty male perverts.

I'm afraid to do research on this endeavor without putting my Google safe search on and even then I'm afraid of what could come up. But I have braved enough to know where to get started, but I wonder if in a week I'll be writing something that would bring embarrassment and dishonor to my family, ya know, like Mulan. Or if I'll be on another scheme to find a way to get some legs, like Ariel.

But instead of legs I meant money.

...soup.

Fucking soup.
Now, you may have your opinions or beliefs that soup is a legit food, but to some people,(and by some people, I mean myself) it's a poor excuse for a meal. Literally, soup is only okay when you're poor, can't eat solid real food, or are sick. Soup is just flavored water with various viscosity (wrong word usage? Suck it.) Soup leaves me hungry, usually tastes bad hot/warm/cold and makes me completely pissed off there's no real food involved and I will more than likely have to make a meal of bread.

sidenote:stew and pho are legit forms of food that happen to have soup/broth in them, not the crappy un-fulfilling asshole of a food with tiny rice or tiny baby noodle and a shit ton of flavored water. Did I mention chunks of meat?
Nothing makes soup a real food like various chunks of meat

Excuse me, you dumb Broad..

I'm glad you didn't stay in the kitchen today. Hearing you verbally abuse and smack your kid in the fitting room next to me at The Gap was hilarious. You're right, he shouldn't get anything from walmart and I'm glad you're dropping him off at the sitters so YOU can go swim without him. They'll teach him to not be impatient from looking after your other kid while in the same room as you getting naked and trying on clothes you probably can't afford to buy.
Yes, half the store could hear you and old people were laughing about it.
Seriously, if you can't raise kids, don't have more than one. Based on your inability to even carry a puzzle or treats or something for a (possible) 7 year old watching your (looked about) 5 year old I am also certain that you're probably too dumb to make me a decent sammich. Even if it looked okay, I wouldn't eat a sammich outta your kitchen because it probably tastes like neglect, paternity tests, and Miracle Whip.

It sounds dirty, but I didn't mean it to.

You know what else is pretty dirty? The lady, no no..a dumb broad that leaves her keys in the only available bathroom stall. That's not so bad actually, unless you know she's a grown woman and can't flush a toilet. So upon returning her keys and already flushing the toilet she says "OH..thank you, I'm sorry I didn't flush. It wasn't workin' right. How'd you flush it? It really wasn't working."
No Broad, youre stupid and you're only sorry a stranger judged you and knows you're lazy.
I bet you peed on your hands while you were in there too. Why else would you be using so much soap if you couldn't even use a hand or foot to flush.
Please tell me you don't go anywhere NEAR a kitchen.

New Addiction?

So maybe making fun of people is wrong, but when there are so many glorious websites dedicated to it, it just makes you realize you're not a douche bag just making fun of the XL girl taking the last small shirt(because it stretches) at Forever 21, you're laughing at people with horrible tattoos or bad engrish (especially when they're white), Or bubbas and bubbetts fixing things with bondo and duct tape.
Plus when i feel bad for hoping those ^ people don't procreate I just watch cat videos.
Winning all over the place.


see more Ugliest Tattoos

Played out joke?

The one I'm referring to is the joke that only the overweight and unattractive are the first people to think that they will be stolen, roofied, or raped and take unnecessary precautions to not be. And I'm not discriminating because I'm sure bad things happen to those people, but when you hear it or see it happen massive Lulz are in order, and it leaves you with a
"What the french. Toast. Scratch that. You don't need anymore carbs. What the fuck. Your friend is totally hotter and I'm sorry, but if I were going to roofie someone or abduct them in my white windowless van, it would be the prettier lighter one."
Dead weight multiplies regular weight by like...400%. I think. I'm not sure. I haven't roofied or abducted anyone lately.
What show will mess you up by proxy is "I Survived". Haven't seen it? It's a show about terrible things that happen to all kinds of different people(except c) by:
a)other people, like break ins and hostage situations but with lots of stabbing and hammers
b)natural disasters like gas leaks and hurricanes and no one is going to help or
c) stuff white people do.*Spoiler Alert*
There's always a guy that wants to go skiing or something in below zero weather without a cell phone or friends and doesn't tell anyone where he went before hand and then they say he's going to die when they finally find him b/c he lived in a tree with hypothermia (yes. this is all of them) and then he lives and just looses like a toe instead of a leg.

And it's the kind of show when you watch a marathon of it, that makes you look behind your shower curtain before you take a poop. But then again I think paranoia is what happens when you take Mucinex and tylonal cold and sinus, and are Ke$sha level shit faced without alcohol kind of sick.