Could it be?

Yet another 2a.m. post, of course. And what painfully mediocre event will I mention? Maybe my crazy dog and how I constantly make up songs referring to his tiny body and t-rex like cranium ratio?
Or..My cat did try to eat my Soapy because he had vix vapor rub on his chest, and yes I did Google it as soon as I could stop laughing.
What can be more boring than the mundane? Oh, I know! The lack-thereof.
So aside from random freak outs my phone is pretty legit. Nice and touchscreen and its small so it doesn't look like I'm talking on a graphing calculator. But I don't know if it is because my face is large or extra chubby, but I cannot hold my phone with my face and shoulder when I need two hands, otherwise my large and chubby face will hit my "end call" button. So I go through life sadly attempting to use one hand for tasks that obviously need two. Example? Talking on the phone I decide I'm hella thirsty and this bottle of water with the "hallelujah" sound effects is sitting right there. Most people wouldn't be sitting down and decide to hold the bottle in between their knees and open it with one hand. Apparently I'm not a genius and don't realize the pressure from me holding it still will send water going all over my pants and carpet.
Sadly I do this everywhere, which is probably a reason why no one calls me anymore, I usually knock things down, spill things, or run into things. How many times can I use the word "things"?
Plenty.
I'm almost certain that when I go to get a pedicure and do not have a good excuse like sports or rock climbing to explain the many bruises on my legs, the nail lady thinks I get beat at home. Most of them think I'm still in high school anyway, so maybe they'll toss in a $5 on big toe design for free one day. Highly doubt it.
While I am on the subject, the lady that doesn't even pluck her own eyebrows at the place I go to, does the best job on mine, and its usually the prettiest lady that does the worst job. That is my new strategy for any place I go to in the future, infiltrate and go find the one Asian lady that has bushy brows and the build of a stereotypical massage lady named Olga or Helga. Cruel? It's not. Those ladies make me look less manly on a regular basis and I tip. Also I have been at the place in life where you work so much you just say
"Fuck it, those people are lucky I even shower for them."