Being Poor.

Being bored and being poor are two dangerous things that should never be combined by a young person in their 20's. Being bored means starting to watch cat videos on YouTube and ending at white people singing to Korean boy bands. That aside, I would like some extra cash and I have devised two semi-solid plans.

Plan 1: Whore out my male neighbors/friends and split the profit.
Pros: Sex=easy money
Cons: Women don't usually buy sex from males that don't look like Photoshopped models. And the ones that would are probably so old they'd break a hip, thus ending up in a lawsuit. I can't afford a lawyer and I definitely cannot afford to be some manlike females bitch. Also, finding a demographic on Craigslist could end up in someone being killed and having their body parts put on the black market. I can't be held responsible for such things.

Plan 2: Write a trashy slutty romance novel. Given my mediocre literary talent and my ability to use grade school punctuation, I feel this is the best bet. I am currently in the process of compiling a team of "experts" to help me write things that would otherwise make me laugh or contract second hand embarrassment.
And by experts, I mean creative people(my sister, who can apparently find 10 synonyms for penis) and dirty male perverts(my friends/neighbors)because they're...dirty male perverts.

I'm afraid to do research on this endeavor without putting my Google safe search on and even then I'm afraid of what could come up. But I have braved enough to know where to get started, but I wonder if in a week I'll be writing something that would bring embarrassment and dishonor to my family, ya know, like Mulan. Or if I'll be on another scheme to find a way to get some legs, like Ariel.

But instead of legs I meant money.

...soup.

Fucking soup.
Now, you may have your opinions or beliefs that soup is a legit food, but to some people,(and by some people, I mean myself) it's a poor excuse for a meal. Literally, soup is only okay when you're poor, can't eat solid real food, or are sick. Soup is just flavored water with various viscosity (wrong word usage? Suck it.) Soup leaves me hungry, usually tastes bad hot/warm/cold and makes me completely pissed off there's no real food involved and I will more than likely have to make a meal of bread.

sidenote:stew and pho are legit forms of food that happen to have soup/broth in them, not the crappy un-fulfilling asshole of a food with tiny rice or tiny baby noodle and a shit ton of flavored water. Did I mention chunks of meat?
Nothing makes soup a real food like various chunks of meat

Excuse me, you dumb Broad..

I'm glad you didn't stay in the kitchen today. Hearing you verbally abuse and smack your kid in the fitting room next to me at The Gap was hilarious. You're right, he shouldn't get anything from walmart and I'm glad you're dropping him off at the sitters so YOU can go swim without him. They'll teach him to not be impatient from looking after your other kid while in the same room as you getting naked and trying on clothes you probably can't afford to buy.
Yes, half the store could hear you and old people were laughing about it.
Seriously, if you can't raise kids, don't have more than one. Based on your inability to even carry a puzzle or treats or something for a (possible) 7 year old watching your (looked about) 5 year old I am also certain that you're probably too dumb to make me a decent sammich. Even if it looked okay, I wouldn't eat a sammich outta your kitchen because it probably tastes like neglect, paternity tests, and Miracle Whip.

It sounds dirty, but I didn't mean it to.

You know what else is pretty dirty? The lady, no no..a dumb broad that leaves her keys in the only available bathroom stall. That's not so bad actually, unless you know she's a grown woman and can't flush a toilet. So upon returning her keys and already flushing the toilet she says "OH..thank you, I'm sorry I didn't flush. It wasn't workin' right. How'd you flush it? It really wasn't working."
No Broad, youre stupid and you're only sorry a stranger judged you and knows you're lazy.
I bet you peed on your hands while you were in there too. Why else would you be using so much soap if you couldn't even use a hand or foot to flush.
Please tell me you don't go anywhere NEAR a kitchen.

New Addiction?

So maybe making fun of people is wrong, but when there are so many glorious websites dedicated to it, it just makes you realize you're not a douche bag just making fun of the XL girl taking the last small shirt(because it stretches) at Forever 21, you're laughing at people with horrible tattoos or bad engrish (especially when they're white), Or bubbas and bubbetts fixing things with bondo and duct tape.
Plus when i feel bad for hoping those ^ people don't procreate I just watch cat videos.
Winning all over the place.


see more Ugliest Tattoos

Played out joke?

The one I'm referring to is the joke that only the overweight and unattractive are the first people to think that they will be stolen, roofied, or raped and take unnecessary precautions to not be. And I'm not discriminating because I'm sure bad things happen to those people, but when you hear it or see it happen massive Lulz are in order, and it leaves you with a
"What the french. Toast. Scratch that. You don't need anymore carbs. What the fuck. Your friend is totally hotter and I'm sorry, but if I were going to roofie someone or abduct them in my white windowless van, it would be the prettier lighter one."
Dead weight multiplies regular weight by like...400%. I think. I'm not sure. I haven't roofied or abducted anyone lately.
What show will mess you up by proxy is "I Survived". Haven't seen it? It's a show about terrible things that happen to all kinds of different people(except c) by:
a)other people, like break ins and hostage situations but with lots of stabbing and hammers
b)natural disasters like gas leaks and hurricanes and no one is going to help or
c) stuff white people do.*Spoiler Alert*
There's always a guy that wants to go skiing or something in below zero weather without a cell phone or friends and doesn't tell anyone where he went before hand and then they say he's going to die when they finally find him b/c he lived in a tree with hypothermia (yes. this is all of them) and then he lives and just looses like a toe instead of a leg.

And it's the kind of show when you watch a marathon of it, that makes you look behind your shower curtain before you take a poop. But then again I think paranoia is what happens when you take Mucinex and tylonal cold and sinus, and are Ke$sha level shit faced without alcohol kind of sick.

It's cool, I found the cat vomit...

Just as the title implies I had the privilege of discovering cat vomit.
With my foot.
In bed.
oh the joys of animals. If it's not cat throw up or doggie doodies that missed the puppy pad, its dog vomit from bugs, charcoal, or anything else that should not be consumed. Worst pet owner ever? Possibly. At this point I'm almost certain Choco (cat) is devising a way to make my life Hell for bringing Hiro (dog) into our lives.
Choco does this effortlessly and gracefully just by knocking down valuables, such as paper towels, nail polish, and really anything that a cat can knock over easily. This creates more chaos and misplaced poop. Every time I clean up this chaos, I see Choco sitting high and mighty and proud of what he's created. And then the day starts all over and everyday I find something new to pet proof.

Sidenotes: Choco has tried to kill me multiple times by laying down on my face when I'm sleeping
He will also touch my face with his hands and let's, face it he uses those to cover up poop. There's nothing cute about fecal feets
He bothers me no matter what I'm doing in the bathroom:
Shower spying
Stealing toilet paper
Sticking his butthole in my face when I brush my teeth
Stepping in my contact lens case

Sweatpants is all the fits me right now

I used to say that as a joke because, let's face it, "Mean Girls" is a hilarious movie that I could quote as much as a dude can quote "Family Guy"(insert Quagmire giggity/roofy colada reference here).
And now I can't help but feel that this is Karma's way of calling me out. Now, I'm not fat by any means, I'm just not proportionate, but I'm also poor. So because I can't buy clothes that fit, I must make myself fit clothes that used to fit me 10lbs ago.
Did I mention I was poor? Okay good, so I borrowed the Insanity work out DVD set thingy and made the mistake of watching it before doing it and now not only am I scared of being that sweaty, I'm also fearful I will have a heart attack because super fit people on the DVD that are doing it, pretty much look like they're dying, yet still working out because it's not time to die until after they get their 30 second water break. But I did it anyway and yes I closed the curtains because I wouldn't want to see someone jumping around like a crazy in their living room either.
Embarrassing sidenote: the only reason I finally pushed myself to work out was because my work pants got too tight. To the point where I had to unbutton them. At. Work.
I don't know how it got to this point before I took action and now I have the shape of a button embedded in my skin as a reminder.
No seriously it hasn't faded yet and I have no idea what I can wear to work at this point.

Could it be?

Yet another 2a.m. post, of course. And what painfully mediocre event will I mention? Maybe my crazy dog and how I constantly make up songs referring to his tiny body and t-rex like cranium ratio?
Or..My cat did try to eat my Soapy because he had vix vapor rub on his chest, and yes I did Google it as soon as I could stop laughing.
What can be more boring than the mundane? Oh, I know! The lack-thereof.
So aside from random freak outs my phone is pretty legit. Nice and touchscreen and its small so it doesn't look like I'm talking on a graphing calculator. But I don't know if it is because my face is large or extra chubby, but I cannot hold my phone with my face and shoulder when I need two hands, otherwise my large and chubby face will hit my "end call" button. So I go through life sadly attempting to use one hand for tasks that obviously need two. Example? Talking on the phone I decide I'm hella thirsty and this bottle of water with the "hallelujah" sound effects is sitting right there. Most people wouldn't be sitting down and decide to hold the bottle in between their knees and open it with one hand. Apparently I'm not a genius and don't realize the pressure from me holding it still will send water going all over my pants and carpet.
Sadly I do this everywhere, which is probably a reason why no one calls me anymore, I usually knock things down, spill things, or run into things. How many times can I use the word "things"?
Plenty.
I'm almost certain that when I go to get a pedicure and do not have a good excuse like sports or rock climbing to explain the many bruises on my legs, the nail lady thinks I get beat at home. Most of them think I'm still in high school anyway, so maybe they'll toss in a $5 on big toe design for free one day. Highly doubt it.
While I am on the subject, the lady that doesn't even pluck her own eyebrows at the place I go to, does the best job on mine, and its usually the prettiest lady that does the worst job. That is my new strategy for any place I go to in the future, infiltrate and go find the one Asian lady that has bushy brows and the build of a stereotypical massage lady named Olga or Helga. Cruel? It's not. Those ladies make me look less manly on a regular basis and I tip. Also I have been at the place in life where you work so much you just say
"Fuck it, those people are lucky I even shower for them."